Be a Better You.
Beauty, Health, Pregnancy, Fitness, Well-Being
By Andrea Moscoso
I have not seen you in years. And honest to God, I do think about you almost daily. Every day my hips, which once shimmied into a size 0 or 2 jeans, reprimand me for tightly filling my barely size 6 almost 8 work pants. The memory of your toned and tiny arms is greeted by the jiggle of my triceps as I wave at you in the far distance. I barely recognize the once upon a time tight stomach I loved to show off in bikinis and crop tops (yeah...crop tops) and now is hidden beneath rolls and silky loose shirts. And I am yet waiting to see the belly disappear, 5 years later from the birth of my child.
But when I remember you, freely frolicking on the beaches and night spots of South Florida, I see the sadness, fear, loneliness and doubt behind your smile. You thought of yourself as confident and you felt beautiful but you WERE petrified of life and of being who you are.
I sometimes judge you harshly as someone who was very narcissistic and self-centered. Or I yell at you in my memory, for being reckless and out of focus. For not realizing everything you have always been and not recognizing your value. I judge you for giving yourself always too easily, heart, body and soul. For unknowingly waiting for someone else to make your life ok, or even safe from your fears of inadequacy. Perhaps you hoped someone else could restore the faith and belief in yourself.
And then I pause- and I see you for you. And it’s not the size of your pants I miss. I miss the certain degree of creativity and spontaneity that came as part of the lack of focus. I miss the sense of adventure that accompanied the recklessness. I miss the naivety and innocence that held your hand as you easily opened your heart. And all in all, you were also courageous and loving and so free. And I miss you. And ok...maybe the size 2 jeans a little bit too.
It’s taken a very tricky road, filled with monsters to battle and challenges to overcome, to realize, my dear old self, that all along you were your own champion. Along this road, you began to understand you were the only one responsible for making your life whole and that looking for others to make you happy is a fruitless pursuit.
I clearly remember the moment you had enough of “mistakes happening” and you walked away from a Champagne and loneliness infused scene filled with wrong turns.
Little did you know that there would be a rough road ahead filled with turmoil, heartache and illness- but more importantly- filled with blessings, lessons and miracles. It took a lot for you to see it differently- a nasty divorce, single motherhood and beating cancer kind of hard. Yet you’ve always been stubborn so you can’t be surprised at life hitting you in the head with a pan to have you pay attention and wake up. And wake up you did. So here I am writing to you. Because in this life I have now, as much as I tried to shove you to the back corner of my soul, I realize I very much need you.
My life has become so rigid. My shoulders have learned to carry a lot. But I lost you along the way. I can say I am pretty responsible: I have a mortgage and bills I pay on time, I work hard, drive my kid around to activities, take care of my pup, try to empower my child to grow to be a decent and kind adult and keep the wheels spinning and the engine moving in my “responsible” adult life.
But my “responsible” life barely holds space for me at all.
I am finding a way to reconnect this new me I’ve uncovered with the great parts of who you are.
Sure, now I have somewhat better, or rather less self sabotaging, habits in a way. But not in others (do I really need to reach into the pantry for snacks when I get anxious?? Better than partying my ass off, I guess). But I miss the healthy things we used to do.
I mean, is it really healthy to not go to yoga because I can’t make time or find energy? Or to have stopped doing things I love because I can’t fit them in my “schedule”?
So this is why I am writing to you. I am invoking the good parts of you back into our life.
I want to marry the wisdom I’ve hard-earned these last few years with your zest for life and your curiosity. I want to blend that respect and reverence I reserve for that intimate part of my heart with the openness and passion you had when you fell in Love. I want to honor myself and take care of my body as you did when you worked out and ate healthy. And teach you to find stillness in your mind and peace in your heart.
So let’s make a deal: I give you the whole best of me now, as I bring back the whole best of you then. It will be a new adventure for us.
And I am ok with not being a size zero or two. I will settle for healthy, fit and happy with sizeable life measured in love given, dreams and purpose fulfilled and lives touched.
So welcome back- it’s time to grow on.
Andrea is a believer of intention, possibility and action. Originally from Ecuador and a long-time South Florida resident, Andrea works full time with her family in Real Estate and enjoys connecting with and supporting her clients and her team to achieve their home goals. Andrea loves yoga and holds various certifications including a Y4C (Yoga 4 Cancer) certification. She has always loved to write as a way to express herself. Her main goal in life is to teach her daughter, by example, to create an empowered life and choose her own version of “happy”.